When the only child starts to raise the second child, who will make up for them the lesson of "love between brothers and sisters"? Since the opening of the second child policy, many families have changed a lot. Many first born children have started to resist because they can't accept their parents' excessive attention to the second child.
9-year-old girls compete for favor and degenerate into babies
From all kinds of signs, 9-year-old Xiaojie is growing up and getting smaller.
She firmly refused to go to her hut to sleep, even though she had shared the bed with her parents for two years. She didn't want to go to school, but she was more afraid of staying alone in the room. Sometimes she is like a frightened kitten, always wanting to hide in her mother's arms; sometimes she is more like a baby just born, constantly asking her mother to "hug" her parents, desperately yearning for the kind of security in infancy.
Seeing that Xiaojie's situation has lasted for one month, his mother, who has just had a sister for three months, is in a hurry. She is determined to educate her father about "the eldest daughter with too much emotion". Unexpectedly, Xiaojie's words scared her parents' back. She pointed to a blank corner of the room and said, 'Mom, I saw a girl in white standing there, she was laughing at me. '
The first time I saw Xiaojie, sun Ling, director of Adolescent Psychology Department of Tianjin Anding Hospital, noticed that the child had obvious' withdrawal behavior ', "like a kind of degradation, when all kinds of behavioral abilities were returned to childhood, for example, she had been snuggling in her mother's arms and refused to leave. '
According to Xiaojie's description, the doctor suspected that she had had hallucinations and auditory hallucinations, and asked to be hospitalized for observation. It's said that there is a sister who is just three months old in the family. Sun Ling reminds the parents that the child should have the symptom of "sibling competition obstacle" because of the birth of Erbao.
This is a kind of psychological disorder proposed by the international classification of diseases (ICD) diagnostic standard, which is especially found in childhood emotional disorders. In short, with the birth of a younger brother or sister, children have some degree of emotional disorder, which is manifested in competition or jealousy for their younger brother or sister.
In the past, this kind of situation was very rare. In recent years, there are more and more families with two children. They can see several cases every month. The abnormal behaviors of the problem children are also different. Sun Ling believes that more attention should be paid to the psychological problems of children emerging from the second child family.
If you look at the longer timeline, for a family, the relationship of 'compatriots' is not a new topic. People regard the relationship between brothers and sisters born with their parents as "Brotherhood", which has a precise expression in traditional Chinese culture - Ti.
'Chinese tradition has been known for a long time as' culture of love'. In a broad sense, it means that we should respect our elder brother, and it also means that elder brother has the responsibility to take care of his younger sister. Zhao Limin, Dean of the school of Humanities of Tianjin Normal University, believes that this culture of emphasizing brotherhood and Brotherhood has been gradually forgotten in the education of the new generation of young families. It is time to call for the return of & lsquo; loving culture & rsquo. '
Why do these kids have 'sibling competition barriers'
After listening to the doctor's advice, my mother took Xiaojie home. After careful communication, the child said the truth: 'I made up all those words, but I don't want you to see my sister, because you are my own. '
Sun Ling thinks that naive children also have their own troubles. From the perspective of family interpersonal relationship framework, they can easily equate the idea of "having more brothers and sisters" with the idea that "parents no longer love me" and generate jealousy. It is also normal for children to have such emotional fluctuations. She believes that the key to the problem lies in the behavior and guidance of parents.
Take Xiaojie as an example. If parents don't pay attention to their emotional changes in time and just scold or ignore them, their children's emotional problems will become more and more serious and ultimately more difficult to control. As time goes by, she may not be able to tell which is the situation she imagined and which is real. "Indeed, many children have already appeared different forms of vision and hearing. '
There are also children who show strong hostility to their younger brothers and sisters, or even obvious aggression, and behave in such a way as to injure others or themselves.
Taotao, who had the best grades in the class, was almost dissuaded because he was so unruly and beat people. It turns out that his transformation began after his younger brother was born. A neighbor always teases him and says, "look, if your mother has a little brother, you'll lose the price!" this sentence is like a knife, deeply penetrating into the little boy's heart. His temper grew stronger and he hit the neighbor several times. When his parents don't pay attention to him, he always pinches his brother fiercely, which makes his brother cry out in pain. In addition, his parents scold him all the time and get beaten for it.
He became more and more vexatious. When eating, he asked his mother to feed him in the bed, and even if he was defecating, he also asked his mother to pick him up in the bed with a bedpan. As long as he doesn't follow him, he rolls and cries in bed. Soon, teachers of all subjects invited their parents to school, reflecting that Taotao didn't listen to the class, bowed his head to play with his own things, even walked around at will in the class, never wrote homework & hellip; & hellip;
According to sun Ling's analysis, this is a typical behavior problem of "compatriot competition obstacle": hyperactivity and inattention; disobedience to parents' instructions, opposition or even conflict with parents, grumpiness and even running away from home. '
In sun Ling's view, children who have more serious' sibling competition barriers' certainly have their own personality problems, but the more important reason is that there is a problem in family education. "Some parents used to overindulge and take care of their children, forming a self-centered concept of their children; or they just gave their children to the elderly, making their children feel uncertain and insecure about their father's love for their mother. 'he said.
Sun Ling suggested that parents should really regard their children as an indispensable part of the family. After the second child, they should let Dabao participate in it from pregnancy to the birth of their younger brothers and sisters, so that they can feel the joy of sharing and their own value.
Unfortunately, these young parents themselves are only children, and they lack the lesson of "brothers and sisters" in their own growth experience.
Second childhood challenges family education concepts of the past decades
In recent years, it is not uncommon for parents to have two children, which leads to anxiety and dissatisfaction of the eldest, or even forced by death. Previously, media reported that the head teacher of a fourth grade primary school in Qingdao said seven or eight children in the class had set up an "anti younger brother sister alliance" to boycott their parents' having two children. And a 4-year-old boy named his brother "Duo" - much more than that.
'Mom, I'll leave my words here today. If you dare to have a second child, I dare to die!' not long ago, a little boy cried a video threatening his mother not to have a second child, which became popular in the circle of friends. And a 15-year-old girl in Shaoyang, Hunan Province, simply told her parents: "if you dare to have a second child, I will add a grandson to you right away. '
Some people think that this is a child's bravado to express dissatisfaction, not too seriously. But Sun Ling believes that parents should pay attention to their children's emotional problems in time. If such negative emotions last for a long time in childhood and cannot be adjusted in time, it is likely to lead to extreme behaviors, "which will not only affect their emotional management, interpersonal communication and other issues in the future, but also may have a greater impact on the whole society. '
It's no longer a small question of family brothers' harmony. Zhao Limin analyzed it from the perspective of culture. The inheritance and development of filial piety culture is related to the establishment of a good social order.
The concept of "filial piety" has always been attached great importance by Confucianism, which represents the irreplaceable kinship of any interpersonal relationship, which is also the cultural gene that has penetrated into the marrow and blood of Chinese people for thousands of years. Confucius said: 'when a disciple enters, he is filial and when he leaves, he is filial. It can be said that filial piety and filial piety are a kind of juxtaposition. "Filial piety" refers to the filial piety and respect of the elders among the young; and "Ti" refers to the respect and obedience of the elders among the peers.
The essence of traditional culture is the essence of Confucianism. Confucianism emphasizes "benevolence" and "rite". Zhao Limin further explained that "benevolent love, filial piety" is also the foundation of benevolence, and etiquette is order, and politeness is based on order. Therefore, filial piety culture can be understood as the meaning of an order. '
In his view, Chinese people talk about their country and stress' cultivating themselves and governing the country and the world '. If the family can't be unified, how can we 'govern the country and pacify the world'? Filial piety and filial piety constitute the main relationship of the family. Therefore, in order to deal with the relationship between "filial piety" and "fraternity" at home, we can push people from ourselves to the whole society and the whole country, and form a social atmosphere of "the old and the old, the young and the young", so as to make the social operation more orderly and the national governance more standardized.
He also saw that the current lack of "caring culture" not only occurred in China, but also a worldwide problem. '
The global low birth rate and the lack of children have reduced the relationship between brothers and sisters. This problem may be more significant in China. The one-child policy, which has lasted for many years, makes people forget the emotional relationship between brothers and sisters.
Today's children have been 'the only two generations'. From birth, a child is used to monopolizing the care of parents, grandparents and other adults. When China ushers in the second child era, these young people who are held in the palm of their hands must learn to face a new change: to share adult love with their new brothers and sisters. This is not only a challenge to children, but also a new challenge to the concept of family education that has continued in the past decades.
From the perspective of family education, parents should cultivate their children's ability to share with others, care for parents and think for others. "Sun Ling knows that most of the children who come to see a doctor are unable to go to school due to emotional problems, so their parents want to come to see a doctor." it can be seen that parents pay more attention to learning and academic performance, and ignore the cultivation of sound personality. '
Zhao Limin believes that these problems are also affected by the growing and living environment of the young generation. "The generation that grew up in the E-era, because of the change of communication mode, in general, this group really pays more attention to individual problems, and the ability of communication and mutual assistance is weakened. '
Therefore, from the perspective of the development of human civilization, we are also calling for the return of "caring culture". This kind of relationship of mutual love and respect not only makes the interpersonal relationship at home more harmonious, but also extends to the society. It also enables people to care for each other, care for each other, help each other, and have a spirit of cooperation and team consciousness. '
He is looking forward to the joint efforts of schools, families and society, starting from the children's reading and learning of the classics of traditional Chinese studies, and returning to the & RST; Culture & RST;, so that the traditional culture will glow with new vitality in the new era. '