In recent years, the number of second-born families has increased, and more and more children come to see doctors for emotional and psychological problems caused by the birth of younger siblings. Therefore, parents should also consider the psychological problems of the first-born children when taking care of the second-born children, or such a battle will arise.
Two child era 'mother fight'
No one noticed that the five-year-old girl youyou didn't like to laugh so much from that day on. Little things will make her angry, scream or cry hysterically. Even words of consolation are like oil drops on the fire, which makes her angry even fiercer. Until recently, she vomited the food she had just eaten several times, saying all day long that she was dizzy and whirling around. There were many colorful circles in front of her eyes. Adults realized that the child might be ill.
Youyou's mother, who has just given birth to two treasures, has to go around with "problem treasure" to seek medical treatment. After more than a month of examination, the mother and daughter finally stood in front of sun Ling, director of Adolescent Psychology Department of Tianjin Anding Hospital, and youyou was diagnosed with mild 'sibling competition disorder'.
In recent years, the number of second-born families has increased, and more and more children come to see a doctor for emotional and psychological problems caused by the birth of their younger siblings. Some even show extreme behaviors such as disability. 'sun Ling said that the root of the problem is family education. She suggested that parents:' understanding children is more important than preaching. '
'Mom, I love you taking me to the hospital'
Youyou was once the only little princess in the family. The whole family was around her. Until the beginning of this year, my mother gave birth to my little sister, who was caught off guard and was "pulled" to a unique throne. In order to take care of Er Bao, her mother takes Er Bao to live in grandma's house for a month, while you follow her. Due to the distance between the two families, every weekend my father drives me to visit my mother and my sister. Because I'm afraid that it will affect their rest, I have to leave for a while each time.
However, a week after her sister was born, grandma began to complain to Yo Ma on the phone every day: Yo's temper became more and more strange, and she often cried loudly and noisily for no reason, which may be "emotional". However, the situation became more and more serious, and youyou became more and more 'problems' from vexatious. At first, she cried for headache and dizziness, and later said that all kinds of hallucinations of patterns and colors had appeared before her eyes; she was unwilling to eat well, and even vomited several times, and the whole person lost a circle. Grandpa and grandma are scared. They think that the child must be ill. "It's not like pretending.".
Yo Ma takes Yo to see a doctor when she is out of the moon. On the one hand, children are small and their expression is not clear; on the other hand, the causes of dizziness are often very complex, and doctors can only check one by one.
In order to eliminate the functional abnormality of each organ, the family ran all over Tianjin eye, ear and nose specialized hospitals, and 'eye hospital alone ran three times, all the items that could be checked were checked, and no problems were found. "In the otolaryngology department, the doctor initially thought that it might be the vestibular function of the child that caused vertigo, but the examination results showed that everything was normal, so he suggested to check the ophthalmology department. After being confirmed by ophthalmologists for many times, they are recommended to go to the neurology department and "let's see if there is something wrong with the brain".
The doctor suggested that we should do MRI for further examination. Looking at the little yo yo lying alone on the big MRI instrument, yo yo's mother was so distressed that tears fell straight out. I didn't expect that she was always timid, but she cooperated abnormally. 'every time she was in the hospital, she always performed very well and was quite different from her family'.
The process of seeing a doctor is full of hardships. The Pediatrics Department of each major hospital has always been full of people. Every time we see a doctor, we often need three adults to go out together. In more than one month, the whole family is trapped in the endless painful cycle of running the hospital, queuing, registering, seeing a doctor and other results. For Yo Yo Ma, the most painful moment is waiting for the results of the examination. "Her heart beat fast to her throat. She wanted to know what was wrong with her child, and she was particularly afraid to find out what was wrong. '
To her surprise, when she was anxiously waiting in line for the results of the examination, youyou suddenly looked up and said to her, 'Mom, I like you to take me to the hospital. '
For 'seeking attention' 11 year old girl refused to eat for 20 days' and wanted to starve herself to death '
Few people can say clearly how much impact the birth of another child will bring to the first child of the family, but the most realistic change is that the eldest must learn to share the love of the eldest with the new 'rivals'.
'such memories and feelings, deep or shallow, will be engraved in their whole life style, and some will even affect their whole life. Sun Ling said that with the increase of second-born families in recent years, the problem of "compatriot competition barrier" is no longer a small topic, and should be paid more attention.
Like yo yo, the eldest child of many families shows various symptoms, which even sounds shocking. However, these performances, whether intentional or unintentional, are all about trying to get their parents' attention and love back from their rivals.
'I know you love me, but I want to kill you and my sister every day. 'a third grade girl said directly to her mother. Tao Tao, a 7-year-old boy, has become angry since his brother was born. He always beats people, often pinches his brother's inner thigh red, and even covers his brother's head with a quilt, almost suffocating him. Because of 'more and more mischievous', Taotao was repeatedly beaten and scolded by his parents. Until his performance in school is getting worse and worse, the teacher asked his parents to suspend classes many times, the parents only noticed that the child's psychological problems.
The first time sun Ling saw Xiao Qing was in a joint consultation of the children's Hospital, 'she was full of tubes, dying'. The 11-year-old girl, who was skinny and bony, was sent to the hospital for more than 20 days because of repeated nausea, vomiting and anorexia. However, no obvious organic disease was found in physical and chemical examinations. It's learned that Xiaoqing's parents divorced and her mother remarried and had a brother who was the same mother and the same father. Since then, Xiaoqing has not only been hostile to her brother, but also asked her mother to stay with her, refuse to go to school, or even 'degenerate' to drink water in a milk bottle and feed her parents. After being severely criticized by her parents many times, she began to vomit and anorexia. After many times of communication with sun Ling, the child confessed: 'I wanted to starve myself to death at that time. I was very happy to see them in such a hurry. '
In the past two years, the treatment rate of this kind of children has increased significantly, and more cases can be seen every month, and only a few cases in the previous year. "Sun Ling said that those who come to see a doctor often have more serious symptoms, which directly affect their study and life; and more 'problem' children may not attract enough attention from their parents due to their less extreme performance.
She explained that sibling competition disorder refers to a certain degree of emotional disorder in children with the birth of younger brothers and sisters. There are great individual differences in degree and form of expression, the most important manifestation is in three aspects: obvious competition or jealousy, such as obvious hostility or aggression to younger siblings; emotional and behavioral disorders, such as temper tantrums, or various abilities' degradation ', even inability to control stool and urine, imitation of baby's behavior, requiring feeding, urinating, sleeping, etc.; social function is damaged, Such as academic performance decline, interpersonal tension, as well as the emergence of various psychological and social problems.
'in fact, normal children may also have jealousy caused by the birth of their younger siblings, but to a lesser extent, it will disappear in a short time. "Sun Ling said that for children with sibling competition disorder, the negative emotions often last for a long time, and the degree is abnormal, which is easy to cause significant harm or adverse consequences," if not adjusted in time, it may lead to extreme behavior, or have a great impact on their emotional management and interpersonal communication in the future. ".
Parents' understanding and love is the best medicine for children's heart disease
The way of family education and children's own character are both the causes of children's sibling competition obstacles, among which family education is more important.
Generally speaking, it is very important for children's physical and mental growth in the future to establish safe attachment within the age of 3. "Sun Ling said.
She noted that children with problems often don't get enough security from their parents. Some parents often go on business, or simply give their children to the elderly; some parents have poor emotional control, which leads to their children being particularly sensitive to the surrounding environment and unwilling to actively interact with the outside world. This kind of insecure attachment children tend to show more jealousy and negative emotions when their mothers focus on the two treasures, 'they are not sure about the availability of maternal love, for fear that they will be ignored due to the existence of younger siblings'.
Sun Ling suggested that parents of second child should first pull their children into the family group. Everyone is an indispensable member. From the beginning of pregnancy to the birth of second child, Dabao can understand and participate in the whole process, so that he can realize his value at home.
At the same time, let children understand that no one can replace their position in the hearts of their parents.
For the children who have emotional problems, if the parents always talk about big reasons or criticize education, it will cause children's rebellious. It is suggested that parents should give more care and companionship to these children. They can adopt the methods of neglect or transference to guide their emotions to subside and improve; or they can tolerate their 'degenerate' behaviors, discuss and communicate with their children more, and guide them to focus on the things they are interested in.
No one knows their children better than their parents. Sun Ling believes that parents should take the initiative to understand their children's distress, better understand their children and make them feel enough love, which is the best medicine to cure their children's heart disease.