Sometimes I'm also confused about one thing. Why do some of the boys in the contact ignore me since they fell in love? They slowly understand that they don't know what happened to you? Come and have a look
I've met several people who thought they didn't contact me because they wanted to alienate me, but every time I showed them my kindness, they would respond normally or even warmly.
It's like they're waiting for me to be nice to them, or they won't take this step.
Occasionally they will say that they are 'incompetent', that they are not good at running a close relationship, and once they take the initiative, they will feel at a loss.
I think of a concept called "avoidant personality". This kind of person is afraid of disappointment and being disliked, so they just keep themselves in a passive position and fear that they will never be loved.
I interviewed some friends who were passive in their feelings. Some of them always felt that they could not solve the gap with their parents, some were not good at expressing their feelings to their friends, and some were always waiting for others to take the first step in love.
Come and listen to their stories.
'& lsquo; girls don't take the initiative & rsquo; let me miss him. '
Now what I regret most is that I believed in this sentence at that time: 'girls must not be too active. If they like you, they will come to you. '
I believe in this proverb, but I miss him seriously.
He was a boy I used to secretly love. People around me thought we would be together, but it didn't work out.
When you like a person, when to move forward, when to move back, are measured accurately. Maybe the reason for this futility is that I always hope he can take the initiative.
Obviously, I care about him, but I have to be reserved to think carefully and restrain myself from actively saying "what are you doing"? If I receive his message, I also revise my tone repeatedly to make the reply look more salt free. It may sound a bit extreme, and I will count the frequency of two people chatting and calculate how many words I should say.
Later, when I watched the ball games from his friends, I didn't dare to comment on them, and I was careful not to praise them even though I had done my homework early and had a good understanding of his favorite teams and stars.
Over time, I fell into a dead cycle:
'he didn't take the initiative to find me today, that is, he didn't care what I meant, so I couldn't find him first. '
Later we gradually alienated, I did not take the initiative, he did not.
If you look back, you may be the avoidant personality in your feelings. In fact, you already know a lot of him that you have never seen before -- carefully explore his favorite microblog and the content of his friends circle, but you are not willing to take the initiative to find him once.
Even if you like him again, don't let him know what you like. Wait for the other party to take the initiative first. I think what you can wait for will always be missed.
'twenty years, I still don't know how to get along with them. '
When I was a child, I always followed my grandparents and was brought back to my parents when I was four or five years old. In fact, I felt a sense of alienation from my parents.
I think a lot of people's avoidant personality is due to early getting along with their families, which greatly affects a person's life style and attitude psychology.
From small to large, the most heard sentence is, 'you are the elder sister, let's have a little brother. '
See the most pictures, is they fight intimately, I appear, a certain atmosphere will inexplicably cold.
I don't have much physical contact with my parents. It's not so natural to hold hands, hug, put on shoulders, or even watch TV in the same bed - I'm afraid that I'll open a topic, and that they don't have anything to talk to me.
I think the so-called avoidant personality is to hide myself in the shell, and it's hard to reach out to feel each other, because I don't know whether the other side will be disappointed to see some of my despicable and ineffectual. Afraid of shrinking in the shell, I can't see anything, so I can only stretch forward all the time, and finally feel a void.
We are all people of this character. We choose to avoid talking. At most, we haven't said a word once or even for two months. Even at home, my younger brother and them are chatting about life. I usually walk straight beside them, as if I was avoiding them, they were also avoiding me.
In fact, I once suspected that I was not loved, so I would try to bring myself out of this home. But when I went home some time ago, when I was looking for something, I saw a handkerchief in my mother's drawer, on which I sewed 'happy mother's Day' with crooked needles and threads - a gift I gave her in kindergarten 20 years ago.
I've never said 'I love you' I like you 'I miss you' to anyone. Any kind of courtship and dependence is too heavy for a avoidant personality.
But if one day I can really speak these words, I hope the first thing I hear is them.
'some people are indifferent,
You don't know how long his initiative was the result of his struggle. '
You know, some of the friends around you always seem a little out of the group. They are used to being alone. It seems that no matter how long they get along with each other, they can't enter his heart.
My roommate is such a person.
Although I live under the eaves every day, I don't know what she is busy with most of the time. She is always silent, and she is always good at responding with indifference and nipping off all kinds of topics I initiatively raised, but it won't make me feel embarrassed.
There is a delicate balance between us. It seems that we can get closer, but it seems that we can't.
It took a summer vacation to change her mind.
At that time, I went to a volunteer activity and was sent to the hospital in case of appendicitis. The person in charge called her because I filled in her name in the column of all emergency contacts. I didn't expect anything from the hospital bed because she was traveling in Xi'an.
But the next day she booked a ticket and flew back to Shanghai to take care of me.
From that moment, I unilaterally sealed her as my good friend. It's amazing, isn't it? Although I've known each other for a long time, and I can't say that the established connection is not close, I never dare to say that she is my 'good friend' -- I'm afraid she doesn't think so.
There was a time when we had a conflict and a cold war for five days. On the sixth day, she put a box of dessert on my desk. I think that's the biggest initiative for her.
She's like a cat. She hates you holding her, and hates you not holding her. You need to get used to this awkward way of getting along, and then find the intimate value that both sides are comfortable with.
Everyone has different measures of initiative and passivity. Some people are indifferent by nature. If one day you feel the enthusiasm of his initiative release, you may not know what kind of psychological struggle he has experienced.
But you should at least know that you are really important to him.