A piece from Haimei: Recently, Zhang Liangying's marriage has been extremely hot. She is about to catch up with Wang Baoqiang and Ma Rong's divorce drama. When will this farce stop and why. But Haimei thought, no matter what the result is, even if the two are together and married, once the two parties are torn like this and hurt each other, the future will not be easy
There may be people who don't know the whole story. In short, Zhang Liangying's marriage is just around the corner, but her mother has published an open letter on the Internet, saying that Zhang Liangying's fiance Feng Ke has been cheating Zhang Liangying. In order to control her property, as a mother, "even if the daughter may hate me for this reason", she has to stand up and oppose the marriage. I have worked hard to pull my daughter It's all for the sake of my daughter.
Let's not say what kind of person Feng Ke is and what kind of property disputes there are. It's just that Zhang Ma jumped to the public to oppose her daughter's marriage, and the words in her letter that "for her happiness, even if she hates me, I'll stop her." this makes me feel chilly.
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This reminds me of a good friend A. she is already 27 years old. Her mother still calls twice a day to check the post and ask her where she is, who she is with and what she is doing. If any phone call is not received at that time, her mother will contact her colleagues and good friends and ask them to help them find her. It's been breaking her down. Every time she complained about this problem with her mother, her mother's answer was' I'm all for you. What do you do when a girl meets a bad person? Do you think I'm willing to worry about this. '2
When she was 3 years old, she made her first boyfriend, and they were very affectionate, but her mother had been interfering, saying that the two were not suitable, and insisted that she and her boyfriend break up. When she refused, her mother would be at home all day, sighing and sometimes even crying all day, saying 'I'm your mother, can I hurt you, not for your own good'; and 'if you follow him, it will be miserable in the future. Don't blame me for not stopping you. 'and even threatened her with a jump. Under pressure, she finally broke up with her boyfriend, and she is not in the mood to look for it.
"I'm all for your own good" has been heard by all of us. But sometimes, it's not love, it's a sick coerceive control.
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What is high pressure control in relationships?
Coerceive control refers to a kind of compulsive and controlling behavior in intimate relationship. It will make people lose their freedom and self. Compared with the traditional sense of domestic violence, this kind of control is more difficult to detect, because it often occurs in the name of love. The common 'I'm for you, so you have to...' is one of them.
What are the signs of this high voltage control?
Must obey TA's ideas and decisions
Everything TA said is right and can't be refuted
Always saying 'it's all for you'
Always saying, 'if you still care about me, you should...'
Everything needs TA's permission
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Show that you're free to do what you want, but once you do it, TA will be unhappy
Silence, anger, crying, suicide and other emotional ways to make you feel guilty
Always saying 'you're better at cats and dogs than me'
Interfere with your normal social interaction with friends and colleagues
Always say 'I'm the only one who understands you / cares about you / really loves you'
Don't respect your privacy and personal space
Question all your decisions
I'm always saying 'I'm the only one who really does it for you. Everyone else is trying.'
Always mentioning TA's sacrifice for you to make you feel guilty
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If you remember the film "black swan", you may remember that Nina's mother wanted Nina to inherit her unfinished ballet dream, so she took care of her in an all-round way, cut off all her social activities, and kept close to her every day, squeezing all her freedom. There is also a small detail, that is, her mother locks herself in the house every day to draw self portraits, which makes Nina feel a huge psychological burden (just like many mothers often say, 'I gave up my career, quit my job, cook for you at home, and you don't study hard). She not only dances for herself, but also realizes her mother's dream. This compulsive control led to Nina's later fantasies.
Compulsive control occurs not only between parents and children, but also among partners. Studies have found that men's high-pressure control over women is more common. An extreme example, for example, if you remember don't talk to strangers, which cast a shadow on our childhood.
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Its harm is obvious
High pressure control can easily lead to psychological problems. One of the important reasons is that this kind of control is invisible, and it is not as obvious as the traditional sense of domestic violence. One book, invisible chains, is about high-pressure control. Because it usually appears in the name of love, we often wonder what we have done wrong.
It is easy for the long-term controlled party to have serious perfectionism tendency and be less satisfied with themselves
Especially afraid that what you do wrong will irritate people around you
Even if it's someone else's fault, you can't help blaming yourself
It's hard to really relax and laugh from the heart
In a relationship, you never consciously put the other person's needs first
Even if there is no one around, I feel monitored and evaluated
Eating or other addictive behaviors
Have very strict requirements on themselves, often can not help self-criticism
It's hard to be proud of your achievements
I don't know what I really like
Afraid to try, afraid of failure and so on
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What should we do if we are really in this relationship?
1. Stay away from the distance
A lot of people just because they still live with their parents as adults, they give them the possibility to control you every day. If they can see every move, they will naturally want to 'care' about you in every detail. Move out to live, first escape from their eyes, it is possible to establish a real distance.
2. Realize economic independence
If the economy can't be independent, it seems that no matter how the other party treats you, it seems that it is difficult for the other party to resist. Making your own money, buying your own things, and making your own budget will also allow the people who control you to have less say in this regard.
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3. Know your bottom line
The reason why many people are controlled is that they don't understand where their bottom line is. Setting a boundary, such as who to marry, can not be interfered by anyone, but the place and date of the wedding can be discussed. Or if you decide to be a journalist, you can still accept their suggestions in which city and media.
Set a bottom line, which problems are decided by yourself and which can be weighed together with the other party, so that you won't be forced into the corner step by step, too passive.
4. Maintain this boundary
When your bottom line is set, it's you who guard it. Don't expect people who are used to controlling you to respect your space. So when conflicts arise, you can say, 'I respect your ideas and understand your feelings, but I don't think my own ideas are respected. Is there any way to meet the needs of both of us
5. Ask for help
Don't blame and feel guilty because you can never satisfy each other. Most of the time, they are using this way to force you to do something. If you have a lot of doubts about yourself because of this relationship, you still suggest that you seek the analysis and suggestions of professionals, such as psychological counselors, and don't torture yourself.