In the recent broadcast of "mother is Superman", perhaps the most controversial one is Ma Yashu's family. Is it because of the cultural differences between China and the west? Is this kind of education really OK?
In this issue of "mom is Superman", Ma Yashu warmly and sincerely selects high-end brand tops for her 13-year-old stepdaughter adiya, and is ready to join her brother's birthday party with great joy. To her dismay, after she came out of her room, adiya put on her plain and elegant coat with the feeling of sexuality and maturity -- adiya cut her own clothes! Then Robert, as a father, came on the stage. While defending his wife, he carried out deep and profound education for her daughter adiya. That's what happened, but because of the complexity of the relationship, young parents and netizens may not understand why the 'plot' has developed so rapidly. Let me sort out three questions: first, why does adiya not like Ma Yashu when buying clothes? Second, why does adiya want to cut clothes? Third, what are the merits of Robert's education for his daughter?
Let's start with the first question. Let's review the process of buying clothes. Adiya, a 13-year-old girl, is in puberty. We will find that foreign girls are more mature than Chinese girls of the same age, which has something to do with race and culture. Do you remember the psychology of adolescent children that I summarized? They generally have six psychological characteristics: comparison, jealousy, attention seeking, rebellion, self pity and conceit. Adiya is no exception. She hopes to prove her existence by wearing more sexy and mature clothes, so as to attract everyone's attention. This proves her youth psychology of attention seeking and self abasement. It is worth noting that after adiya independently selected some of her favorite clothes in the clothing store, she was overthrown by her stepmother Ma Yashu again and again. Finally, she chose the clothes she was satisfied with according to her will, and adiya reluctantly agreed. In fact, it involves an important issue of communication with adolescent children. Interestingly, my colleague has just complained to me that she can't communicate with her second grade child normally. She is anxious and stiff. For children at this stage, I would like to give you three points:
1. Get to know your children and respect them.
Adolescence is no longer a period of children. Parents should remember to change their roles, that is, from the role of authority to the role of friends. Although Ma Yashu's treatment of his stepdaughter is improper, it is full of maternal love and responsibility, which makes people pay homage. However, in the matter of choosing clothes, Ma Yashu magnified his own aesthetic and values, and ignored or even denied his daughter's opinions in the stormy period, lacking the most basic respect. We should have a comprehensive understanding of children and their needs, rather than carrying out 'education' at the first time.
2. Flat posture, equal communication
Communication with children is an art. We're high up, and the kids are just going to give us tit for tat. Some parents say, 'I'm not so domineering, I'm so painstaking' -- but in the eyes of children, when parents hold the right to speak, it means that the relationship is not equal, and it has little to do with mood.
3. Give space, trust children
The most valuable education is trust, especially for adolescent children. I once introduced the four steps of parenting to you in the book "happy parent-child relationship for children", which are "dragging", "pulling", "pushing" and "watching". I hope that through this kind of comparison, parents can understand the relationship between parents and children and the way of parenting in different periods. Among them, "watching and walking" refers to the parent-child relationship in adolescence. We should keep a certain distance from the children in this period and give them a certain space. It can be said that if you like her, you should be closer to her, and if you love her, you should be farther away. '
Many netizens feel that apart from comparison, why does adiya cut clothes? Is it really just like what she said that she doesn't like the style of clothes? In fact, in psychology, clothes have a very important psychological direction. On the one hand, clothing is a person's personality, representing a person's attitude. The denial of clothing is the denial of 'character'. On the other hand, adiya's mother still lives in her heart. She will feel uncomfortable with her stepmother's clothes, which is actually a wake-up call for her mental trauma. It can be said that adiya's saying 'I have a lot of pressure in my heart, I don't like this style' is not her own choice, but her subconscious self is conducting 'moral judgment' on her real self. From this point of view, adiya is worthy of sympathy. Mayashu can establish a new mother daughter relationship with adiya through time. Here, I also want to give some suggestions to Ma Yashu and other mothers with similar experiences:
1. Close things, reduce intervention, obtain trust. You are the father and the mother of your body. It can be said that the stepson or stepdaughter is branded with her own mother's brand both physically and mentally. For example, one of her hairstyles and one pair of her shoes may have stories related to her mother. In order to gain trust and favor, please try to make less comments on personal things, let alone ridicule or deny them.
2. Broaden your horizons, try novelty and get favor. On the basis of understanding children's past, we should take children to engage in some fields or new things that they have never experienced, and gain children's favor through the establishment of new lifestyles.
3. Be gentle, warm up gradually, and care about details. Don't expect that children can be accepted unconditionally all of a sudden. First of all, we should accept children without reservation. Excessive indifference is not easy to improve the relationship, but some parents are too enthusiastic, which inevitably backfires. Change is gradual, through more secret care and help, gradually change the child's attitude to you.
Finally, I'd like to praise Robert. Robert is outstanding in dealing with this family conflict. Just like the unique personal heroism complex in American culture, Robert, who presided over fairness and justice, came to his home and stopped a war without gunpowder. There are great cultural differences between China and the United States, but the respect for elders is the same. Robert expressed his position and attitude in front of Ma Yashu. On the one hand, he showed his love for his wife, on the other hand, he told his daughter right and wrong. To be sure, although Robert criticized her face-to-face, he did not blame her deeply, which gave her enough face and reflected his parenting wisdom. In private communication, Robert communicates with his daughter equally. He introduces Yaya's difficulties to his daughter, helps her understand Yaya's mood and practice, and calms adiya's mood.
As the old saying goes, every family has its own difficult classics. The story of Ma Yashu and adiya continues. I wish they can become a happy mother and daughter. Come on!