The environment in which a person grows up often affects what kind of people he will be attracted to in the future, as well as the establishment and maintenance of intimate relationships in the future. No matter how many injuries have been suffered, when love comes, it is the best opportunity to heal and heal. From the perspective of deep psychology, the best healer in the world is his lover.
The environment in which a person grows up often affects what kind of people he will be attracted to in the future, as well as the establishment and maintenance of intimate relationships in the future. No matter how many injuries have been suffered, when love comes, it is the best opportunity to heal and heal. From the perspective of deep psychology, the best healer in the world is his lover. However, because of trust and lack of defense, it is also the most dangerous time to hurt in love. When people's feelings are touched, they enter into an irrational subconscious process. In fact, a love relationship is very similar to the relationship between a mother and a baby. They all admire each other and look at each other affectionately. They all want to give the best to each other. When they are not together, they will be anxious and uneasy, as if 'one day's absence is like three autumn'.
Only in love, people's two basic psychological needs can be met at the same time: one is to be accepted unconditionally, the other is to be in the first place in the heart of the loved one, especially the more empty or immature the heart is, the easier it is to rely on the other person to support your fragile sense of self-worth. Unconsciously, they expect the other party to accept you unconditionally and put you in the first place anytime and anywhere. The more insecure the person is, the more they will ask for their partner in the future. The past injuries should be recovered from the present love relationship. For example, those who were neglected at home in the past will unconsciously ask their partners to constantly give you attention; those who were too strict in the past will now ask their partners to trust you and give you space. After mutual promise for life, you will feel: why don't you give me what I want? People in love tend to degenerate into infancy psychologically - my parents should know what I need without talking, and the best way to get care is crying. But in the adult world, it's OK to use crying, punish each other, and force them to meet your psychological needs It doesn't work.
There are several important concepts in deep psychology, which can help us find some clues in the complex love relationship, so that we can grasp the correct direction when analyzing and dealing with problems.
The so-called empathy function is to transfer the emotion of some important people in the past life to the people we meet at present, or the emotional needs that we wanted to get from some important people but failed to achieve, hoping to be satisfied from the current relationship.
Many people fall into the trap of love because of their lack of psychology in a certain aspect when they were young. Once they get the relevant satisfaction, no matter whether the time and place are suitable or not. For example, a woman, her fourth daughter, was often neglected at home when she was a child. Once she went out with her family and got lost, but her father didn't realize it. As a child, she had low self-esteem and felt like an ugly duckling. She longed to be cherished by her father, but failed to do so. When she went to graduate school, a professor with a family of nearly half a century old and a loving father began to pay attention to her. When she appreciated her, she felt hopelessly in love with the professor. She didn't mean to destroy other people's families, but unconsciously fell into a trap and became a third party in extramarital affairs. This is how many tragedies of extramarital affairs happen. Everyone can be excused. They are not heinous, just like you and me, full of human weakness.
People have a lot of psychological needs, just like the camera has a wide angle and a telescope lens. When the telescope lens is used to aim at an object, the object becomes larger, and other objects become fuzzy background. It's like shopping when you're hungry, because your needs (food) are amplified; but when you're full, your needs are different. Food seems to be melted back into the background by the wide-angle lens, but when you are full, you are thirsty, and this thirsty demand is magnified by the telescope lens. Other needs become unimportant, and you focus all your attention on this new object, new demand, until it is satisfied, then it dissolves back into the background. At first, you may expect a fatherly partner, but when your need for care and attention is met, you are likely to have a new psychological need and start to demand independence and autonomy. People will grow and change, and conflicts will arise. At the beginning, we can get satisfaction from the love relationship, but because our psychological needs will change with the life situation, we have to constantly adapt and learn after marriage.
One of the reasons for the strong attraction between lovers is the pursuit of the "complete self".
According to the theory of Yang Ge, a great psychologist, everyone has an 'overt' and 'Covert' (or 'shadow') personality. In other words, in addition to the explicit personality that people see, everyone has a shadow personality that is just the opposite. For example, the shadow personality of 'analytical' people is' sensory '. Usually, the 'analytical' person focuses on logical thinking and objective judgment, but when he emphasizes and expresses' rationality ', he unconsciously suppresses his delicate and sentimental' perceptual 'part of personality to the depth of his subconscious and turns it into a recessive' shadow personality '.
The formation of 'personality' is greatly influenced by innate factors, but also by acquired factors. For example, when a man is growing up, he is often asked to be "happy and angry, but not in appearance" and "a hero knocks down his teeth". The sentimental part of his personality is deeply suppressed and becomes a "shadow personality" in his subconscious mind.
When boys with strong 'masculine' and 'analytical' characteristics go to study in science and engineering, and then work in a meticulous and inflexible environment after graduation, while girls with 'feminine' and 'perceptual' characteristics go to study in humanities, and then work in the literary and art circles after graduation, the congenital and acquired differences between men and women become even greater.
In the study of human love relationships, we often see strong mutual attraction between the 'sudden shock' and 'slow doctor', 'extrovert' and 'introvert', 'lively' and 'steady', 'analytical' and 'perceptual'.
When a person meets a person of the opposite sex who has his own shadow personality, he often feels joyful, because the other person shows the personality he lacks (or has been suppressed and disappeared). For example, when 'analytical' men and 'emotional' women meet, they are often full of fresh joy. Her rich and fluent affection often provokes him to suppress the emotional part of his heart for a long time. When he was with her, his shadow personality, which was deeply buried in the dark cellar, began to see the sunshine and feel a lively and fresh vitality injected from the outside, which made him deeply attracted. He felt as if he had been reborn and his shackled soul was immediately free to release. This opposite sex attracts each other, and each of them has a chance of life, so that their dusty and withered 'shadow personality' can be seen again, moistened by dew, and integrated with their 'dominant personality' to develop a more complete and mature personality. I call it the pursuit of 'complete self'.
It's a very arduous and painful process for people to develop a 'complete self'. Therefore, the loving and humorous God lets these heterosexuals attract each other. In the honeymoon period, the men and women who fall in love at first sight first taste the sweet taste of love heaven, and then let them enter the 'running in period' willingly with their eyes closed. In the hard 'wilderness', let them have a good relationship with each other in personality The iron pestle is ground into an embroidery needle, and continues to develop the complete self.
In the running in period, what used to attract you most is now the most unbearable part. In the past, you appreciated his calmness and rationality, but now you are silent, ignorant and puzzled. In the past, love his self-confidence decisive give you a sense of security, but now has become self-centered, everything to dominate. If on the contrary, in the past the woman fell in love with his delicate tenderness, then in the running in period, she is likely to complain about his lack of masculinity. Similarly, if in the past the man was attracted by her rich emotion and lively, now he would like her to stop being hysterical and nagging. In the honeymoon period, everyone thinks that they have found the perfect dream person, but in the running in period, they find that they have been blind before they fall in love with this object.
In the running in period, we all want to transform each other and make each other perfect, just like the 'ideal image' in our hearts. This is the biggest source of pain in the intimate relationship.
The only way is to understand and follow the law of psychology, give up the illusion of making the other person perfect, do not focus on the other person, and return to focus on the integration and growth of their 'dominant' and 'recessive' personality. In other words, the perceptual type no longer forces the rational type to use poetry to express rich emotions, and focus on expanding their own shadow personality, so that they can also be good at logical thinking; the anxious type, learn to tolerate the slowness of the slow doctor, and learn to let themselves appreciate and enjoy the relaxed nature of the shadow personality.
The most interesting thing is that when you observe some good old wives and husbands, you will find that when a person gives up to change each other, the other person will be more and more affected, and unconsciously they become more and more similar.
For example, there is a couple whose wife is' organized 'and very well-organized, while her husband is' natural and unrestrained'. Everything turns out to be big. I believe that when the boat reaches the bridge, it will be straight. When they first met, his wife appreciated that his husband was relaxed, smooth and humorous, as if nothing in the world could make him panic. As a result of growing up in a perfect family, his wife is often overwhelmed by his high expectations. When she was just in a relationship, she felt safe and relaxed as long as she was with him. However, my husband has never met a girl who is so methodical and efficient in everything, so he appreciates her very much. Problems arise after marriage. The more organized the wife is, the more disordered the husband is. The more the wife wants to correct it, the more muddled the husband is. For example, every time a husband doesn't know where to put his wallet, and the more his wife can't stand it and asks him to put it away, the more he doesn't pay attention to it and often forgets, which leads to a vicious circle. The key to dealing with this kind of vicious interaction is that the 'over responsible' Party should learn to face each other when they make mistakes or fail to meet their own standards, endure their own inner anxiety, and let the other party be responsible for the consequences of their actions. If it is true, sir, this problem has not changed, until one day she painfully resolved not to care about it. When he arrived at the airport on a business trip, he couldn't find the air ticket. He had to pay several times as much as he could out of his own pocket. As a result, even the ordinary man who didn't care was heartbroken. After this lesson, my husband began to be vigilant and gradually changed.
There are many such subtle interactions between husband and wife. When dealing with this kind of "intimate dance" that you go in and out, that is constantly repeated and difficult to change, we must improve it through wisdom.