Panic began in the last semester before graduation. After school, people rarely ask whether they have returned home for the new year, whether they have added new clothes or adjusted their hair, but ask each other in a few words whether they have finished their papers, whether they have an eyebrow at work, how they are preparing for their blog, where love is going, and the anxiety in their tone is as clear as the sadness on their face. So that in the end, every time we meet, without waiting for each other to ask questions, we will automatically reveal our situation.
But there are few opportunities to meet like this. Suddenly, everyone is like QQ on the network, hidden and can't be found everywhere. The school has become a cold station. It comes and goes in a hurry. We will get together briefly only when we need to go through some pre graduation procedures. Even when Ah Mei, a classmate in the class, was in danger because of a broken cerebrovascular, our heartless people still found one reason or another to shirk their responsibility for their inability to visit. Later, the school took pictures of the graduates. I met Ah Mei who was haggard in body and mind in the crowd. Suddenly, my tears flowed out. Ah Mei said, 'girl, why are you crying? You should laugh. I almost couldn't see you.' I leaned over her thin shoulder and remembered all kinds of love she gave us like an elder sister, but we cruelly perfunctorized her fighting with death in the hospital bed with only a text message or phone call. Is it true that graduation and work are more important than friendship, which makes us become like an anxious and angry little beast, biting and roaring, running recklessly towards the desired goal?
But at that time, my thinking would not be analyzed so rationally. I would go up and fight for almost every opportunity. I rushed all the job fairs in Jinan, and distributed flashy resumes and leaflets to those recruiters who had the power of life and death. Every time I send out one, I think about it when I go to bed at night. At that time, my classmates and I seemed to be suffering from paranoia. Every time we met a unit, we would habitually spend a little time daydreaming. In the dream, of course, without exception, is the beauty and brilliance after his successful application. I think I can finally cheer up in front of people who despise me, finally stop being a student who is so poor that needs daily calculation, finally give my parents some comfort, and finally live the life I want in the city I like & hellip& hellip; But the uneasiness and uneasiness after waking up will not be lost at all. I still have to run around and eat my eyes in order to sell myself at the best price.
I remember catching up with more than a dozen job fairs and throwing out hundreds of resumes. I boasted about myself in front of those casual recruiters. Even in the end, I doubted whether such an excellent graduate was me. I also learned the art of heart attack. When I met recruiters who looked at their resumes more, I went up and praised them sincerely, Then he 'bombarded' the man by mail and telephone until people said, I'm sorry, you are really excellent, but we have recruited the right person. There are also indifferent. When I called to ask, I said that we didn't want girls. Why are we so wordy? Or, after listening to my report of my origin, I refuse directly. We don't need to talk about graduates from non famous universities. I really wanted to go back in time and let me go back and take another exam in a famous university, so as to catch all these people's pride.
Unfortunately, no matter how lost and depressed, we still have to harden our scalp and have the cheek to rush the ducks to the shelves. The opposite love began to light up in such a hurry. My boyfriend, who has just worked for a year, calls me every two days to ask whether to go with him or follow his parents' advice and go back to his city? When I was in a hurry, I would yell at him hoarsely: 'why don't you have a lot of money to let me live a carefree life?! Why don't you have the ability to arrange a safe and leisurely job for me?! Why should I always consider the wishes of others instead of flying where I want to go?! Why am I exhausted and still unable to get a satisfactory result At the end of every roar, he and I forget why we quarrel; What is it that turns the gentle and shy girl into such an unreasonable and grumpy woman?
Yes, it seems that we spent the time before graduation in endless quarrels. My parents didn't want me to go too far, and I couldn't find a suitable job in my boyfriend's city. Love and work, on the scale of graduation, swing, who and who are unwilling to give up easily.
All kinds of exams also tormented me at this time. Civil servants, transfer candidates, graduation exams and Kaobo, they swept me up like a hurricane and fell down heavily. I almost became a poor ant. I didn't know where the river was going to rush me, so I had to drift helplessly. I remember that every time I met my tutor on campus, I had to take a detour, or try my best to take my eyes away from his sharp torture downstream. Like when I took the postgraduate entrance examination, I asked myself from time to time: in the end, why should I keep taking the examination like this? In the end, which is more important, the surface scenery and real life?
It was not until I left for Beijing to take the exam that I tried to convince myself with a friend's text message. She said that the important thing of this expedition is not the result, but that you can finally draw a complete end to your reading career. From kindergarten to doctor, you have every war. Compared with me who graduated from college, your track should be a perfect circle. I leaned against the window and listened to the train crashing forward. Finally, I smiled in this sentence.
I know this smile is mixed with bitterness. When I carried my luggage alone and spent more than ten minutes crossing a not wide road from the overpass; When I was examined by the guard at the gate of Beiying film; When I passed by the well-dressed handsome men and women of Beiying and walked to my rented basement; When I thought I had learned a good major and collapsed in front of several examination papers, I still couldn't resist the gloom and loss at the bottom of my heart. I squatted down slowly in a strange street in Beijing and let tears flood.
A friend I met on the Internet who sent text messages again and again. When I arrived in Beijing, I must remember to see her. She wants to prove from me that I live calmly and freely in the text. I tried my best for this meeting, but when I finished the last test and turned on my mobile phone, I only sent her a sentence. I said goodbye, friend. She will never know how depressed I was at that moment with rough skin and messy hair. Free and easy in the words, I would rather never see you again than such a unkempt meeting. Moreover, I was not the quiet and gentle woman she imagined, but a graduation, which made the indifferent woman hidden behind the words show a sharp core.
Fortunately, such a chaotic graduation has finally come to an end. When I write these words, I am a woman who has gone through a hundred tests. 40000 word papers were successfully submitted for approval; Cobb failed, but those years of film madness were not wasted. They are deeply embedded in my memory like images; In my boyfriend's city, a safe job finally accepted me; The relationship with her parents, which was once tense to a hair trigger, gradually softened. Finally, her mother let go and said, 'xiao'an, as long as you feel happy, fly.'
I finally understand why most of the people in the graduation photos are smiling. Because when we walk through longing, anxiety, loss, sadness, happiness, loneliness and fear one by one; When we get rid of all our baggage and go to battle light; When one door closes and another opens - smile is the only expression that can contain everything.
The fruit of that branch is finally ripe. During this complicated time, the aroma brewed has already floated far away & hellip& hellip;